Rainy days can be among my favourite days, Denis too. We love the way it changes everything, sometimes I forget I love them and I think… yuck I have to go outside in this? However, once I am outside I think, what took me so long and what else can I do out here? My brain can be like that, conditioned to think rainy days are crummy days when really I like them. Sadly it is not only rainy days that my brain has been conditioned to think false things about. The false thoughts I know about just take diligence and awareness and I am no longer robbing myself of my true feelings. The tricky part is when I believe the lie to the point that I don’t give myself a chance to enjoy something I have decided to dislike. For instance, up until very recently I would have said I hate photos of myself. I was embarrassed of imperfections and I saw so many. Now, with dogged determination not to pass on that quality to Lily and trust in Denis that it is okay I have discovered funny photos, imperfect photos, life photos are the best. I can let go and really have fun, I still can make the panic frozen smile but each day I get better.

Sent the last of the smelly haylage to the horses today, Denis packed it in the van while I took a after lunch snooze with Lily. Then we both headed off to help out a local friend who has been there for us time and time again when we needed things (a home, internet), she wanted help trimming some shrubs in her garden. First I panicked, shrub trimming is not really in my repertoire of knowledge and I was worried that I might kill something. Then I saw the garden and figured this is going to be easy, I wondered what the fuss was about. Then we started working on it and I discovered… not only can a book not be judged by its cover, but a garden cannot be judged at first glance. I will be back again tomorrow and possibly on the weekend.

Sometimes first impressions make things worse and sometimes they make them better than they are. Thankfully I did not go for a career in gardening or I’d have a big learning curve ahead of me. As it is I can just enjoy the gardening I get to do for ourselves and friends and I get to focus my mind on what I am really passionate about, true health, and a life lived to its full capacity.

A bit of fun from Tuesday for you.

Woke up this morning to an indescribable smell. Got dressed and decided to go hunting for it, as I kept getting whiffs of it and I did not find it pleasant at all. We put away the clean laundry we had not yet folded, took out the dirty laundry, the garbage, the plants, everything was given a sniff test. I found the source eventually, my vest and Denis’ clothes from yesterday, the smell was haylage.

The smell was slightly fermented grass. No wonder I couldn’t place it! I much prefer the smell of hay but given the choice the horses on this farm prefer haylage and they don’t develop coughs from it, so that is the winter feed, we have been taking the last bale down to them so it does not rot and be wasted. It is a bit awkward to deal with, so it is a hands on job for the most part.

The smell found and dealt with, Lily and I snuggled in for our morning siesta. An hour later up we got and much to my disgust the smell was back. How on earth… what was left? Looking down I notice my pants, the same jeans I had on yesterday, no wonder the bad smell seemed to be following me! Isn’t it so true in life, we tend to look for solutions outside of us to solve problems and forget to look at ourselves. Especially when we find an external source. Got to look at ourselves as well just to make sure the source of the problem is not us.

Had a good laugh at myself and took off the pants and left them outside to wait until I need to move the last of the last bale. I put on some stink free pants and got on with my day.

We learned about planting sweet potatoes this afternoon, it is not at all like regular potatoes, thank goodness for YouTube, such a source of information. We discovered we won’t be here long enough to harvest the potatoes but we are still planting one for our host. Lily and Denis started the process today, and now we get to watch the magic of new life beginning right in our own window.

It is a good day when you learn something new and have the chance to laugh at yourself. Today I have had both and there are still hours to go!

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Today started out slow, Denis has been processing childhood baggage the last few days and so Lily and I have been doing chores in the morning together. We wake early, play for an hour, nurse, have an hour nap and then head out. The dogs love going for a walk and the big female wolfhound loves to have Lily with us. She was bouncing around like a puppy today, she is a big dog! She is very careful but with Lily in my MobyWrap carrier zipped up in a coat she can’t see her without jumping up, so she bounces for a better look, and Lily looks for her now too. It was an enjoyable morning.

We had a lunch of power foods for O Blood Types (we are all O blood type) as we find that we really notice a difference when we include superfoods for us in our diet and remove the foods not suitable for us. In the afternoon Denis did most of the work, while Lily went down for her longer nap and I kept her company (to be on hand for nursing was my excuse but really it is just because we/I am well aware that my time with her like this will end soon enough). Anyways, after the nap we loaded up a bunch of haylage and took it to the horses who have moved to the valley and when we came back we discovered one of the pigs has broke the door to the hen house. Denis repaired it while I went upstairs with Lily who was hungry and again, looking for a nap, with Denis following us when he was done.

While Lily and I were chilling, Denis asked me again about his tooth that has been bothering him for 2-3 days. Wondering what it meant, we looked it up in ‘Messages from the Body’, our go to manual for the why’s of the physical issues we can encounter. Sometimes it is just the right bit of wisdom needed to help finish off processing something we are not fully aware of. This time it made sense, Denis has been in his own world a little bit these past few days, while he deals with the phone calls and the old emotions he has been tackling. It is hard not to let the ego get a foothold on something new to hold a grudge about, the whole idea is to deal with the past, forgive, let go, and move on softer and stronger.

Family baggage can run deep, and it perpetuates through the generations until someone breaks the cycle. Denis has broken that cycle and I am so happy for the life he gets because of it, for the life I get with him because of it, and of the life Lily will have because of it. She does not have to carry her daddy’s baggage like Denis carried the baggage of his family for so long.

Weekends are a whirlwind of activity for us. Our host comes home, people visit, animals need attention in ways they don’t during the week, disasters, emergencies and other unforeseens, it is a dizzying experience after our leisurely yet productive weekdays with us living “in the flow” and this weekend was no exception. Happily these days we just feel tired and not frazzled or worse. It has taken time and lots of effort, soul searching, if you like, on our part to get to this point. On our own and together we have fought, crawled, cried, screamed and fallen to our knees learning how to just take it all in stride and let it go.

Living with other people these last two almost three years has stretched us to the point where we have almost broke. More than once. There have been drunks, more than one narcissist, mistresses, racists, ex drug dealers, possibly current drug dealers too, convicts, truly mean people and manipulative people. However, there have also been the best of the best people you could ever hope to meet. People who raise the level of humanity or more specifically human consciousness with their presence. We are blessed to have many of these people in our lives now. They are from all walks of life and they all have different gifts and we call them all friends.

We spoke with some of these friends via Skype this weekend. Discussing our plans for when we have finished helping/staying/growing where we are. France is wonderful and though I will be sad to go, our hearts are pulling us along this ever changing path and we are happy to follow… now.

Denis has been great for me that way. I have a very steady personality, unless there is a specific end to something I tended to just linger on doing what ever I was doing, even when I appeared to be changing it was just a mirage. Even if part of me wanted more, I still lingered putting up with less than my heart desired because of the good bits. Denis never lingered… he moved at the first sign of unrest, so with me he had to slow down and with him I had to start moving. We balanced each other but it took awhile to get the balance to a healthy point, he pushing to go with hot raw emotion and me becoming an immoveable mountain of cold refined logic. The heart and the head were fighting, between us and within us. It took a lot of prayer, talking, some emergency Heilkunst doctor intervention, patience and genuine love for each other but we did it. We got to a point of balance and it radiates out into all that we experience. It makes every experience so much better but it was a heck of a demanding journey to get here.

We have been blinded by our beliefs and egos along the way but we work hard to dispel the lies for truth.

Today was full of exciting things.

First we had to make a run to the dump with the van that was full of broken and useless things. We needed it empty for this weekend to pick up some alpacas. Of course we work around Lily’s nap time to make everyone’s life easier. At 11:15am we were ready, but the van would not start. Denis had to try 3 different methods (2 chargers and then the car) to get it jumpstarted. At 11:45am we were on our way.

We figured we would drive to the dump or ‘dechetterie’ in French,  to see what time they opened on Saturday morning because we were not going to make it in time before they closed for lunch (everything closes in France for lunch, sometimes for 2 hours or the rest of the day). Anyways, we got there 5 minutes before they closed, and we pulled in, figuring we’d get as much unloaded as possible to make the morning easier. Denis and I have very limited French but we have been here many times already, we know everything has to be sorted. Lily was chilling in the front seat, and we were, running, really running! The lady must have found us so humorous that she let us empty the entire load making her 10 minutes late and us full of giggles. Running all over the dump with bits and bobs was incredibly humorous to us. High five for getting it done today, the morning will be easier now.

Denis started a project here on this farm 28 months ago the first time we came through. He dug holes to make the pigs field extend into the forrest. When we returned this time he was able to finish it. Much to his disappointment the pigs were more than a little wary of the new space and refused to go down the path to explore their extra territory. It has been open about 6 weeks and finally after much cajoling he has convinced Nicky to go all the way down the path. Once there she was a very happy pig to go exploring and Denis was a very happy man that the pig enjoyed his efforts.

Lily is always surprising us with new feats, recently she has started really improving her efforts at crawling to the point where she can’t be left in the middle of the bed for a bit. She won’t be in the same location for long and she has no fear of the edge! Today she also showed us that spotting, reaching for and transferring objects from hand to hand and to her mouth is easy for her. So with these combined talents… we have to be careful what is left around her. Let the baby proofing of the house begin!

Sometimes I am so productive and other times not so much. Last week I felt like a super hero, I had balance, I had efficiency, I had attitude. This week I am floundering, I am putting in the effort and getting poor returns. I think I am in a bit of denial about how beneficial my time eating choices have been. Thankfully I have Denis to talk to, he helps me stay honest with myself when I tell myself happy little excuses to validate behaviour I don’t like in myself.

The trick to having a healthy helpful chat or a flat out brawl of words is to remember he loves me. To leave the ego at the door and for both of us to honour and admit when the other is right and in a relaxed fashion explain what part is being misunderstood. It has been a long journey to get to this point, and I am sure some topics would still send us for a good heated scrap, but even those end up in giggles now.

Now the trick is, to become more productive starting NOW, not tomorrow and certainly not next week. Delaying somethings can give time for a course of action to take shape in my mind, but with this problem… I know what to do, so I just need to do it. 100% honesty about what I am doing and is it filler or does it resonate? I find it is like bending time and I get so much done if it resonates and if it only fills time well it really just sucks time. I have too much I want to do, too many interests to waste even a moment on something that is not what I really want to do.

Oisin did not need to learn this lesson, it is natural with him.

So one of my pet peeves is open mouth chewing. I have talked to people who do it and well to be honest, I wanted so badly to understand this behaviour that over the years, I have tried to see if the benefits that have been spoken of are true for me. Nope, I find it upsetting and silly when I try. Why on earth do people do it is still beyond me. No, the food does not taste better. Unless you are sick or have other issues I cannot understand how you can have your mouth closed and breathe through your nose but the moment you add food you claim you cannot breathe through your nose and need to chew and breathe, which I find incredibly difficult. I have tried and tried in private to master this knack of open mouth chewing simply to understand and yet I still find it uncouth to say the least.

Yet today found me actively chewing with my mouth open in an exaggerated fashion. Lily demanded to be included when we ate lunch today, well she showed a lot more frustration at not having her own bit to eat at least. Some days there are things she can suck on but today nothing was really appropriate for her to do that with. Everything looked like a choking hazard to me, so I took the plunge… to see if I could convince her to chew.

She did, with a big smile on her face when I encouraged her for doing it right. So, in went a little tiny bit of chicken that could be swallowed whole if she stopped chewing, nope, she happily chewed away… with her mouth wide open as mommy had so plainly showed. Tiny bit after tiny bit went in, and she proudly showed her chewing ability to me.

What have I done?

Obviously I cannot bring myself to document the open mouth chewing just yet.

What is better than a lazy summer day to slowly, and in a random fashion, get to the little odd jobs that always get put aside for bigger chores? Those little jobs can be such a joy and today was full of little jobs and I seem to have developed a naughty habit very quickly with my very enjoyable day.

Chocolate.

Do a little bit of a job, need a new tool to continue? Well why not pass the fridge on the way and grab few little rainbow coloured chocolate peanuts? So yummy and it is only a few. Times this behaviour by at least 15 on a day like today. Walk the dogs, chocolate, nurse Lily, chocolate, free graze the horses, chocolate, make lunch, chocolate, clean up lunch, chocolate, look at photos for todays blog, chocolate, clean the barn of the winter wood, chocolate, weed the garden, chocolate, play with Denis and Lily, chocolate, mend a fence, chocolate, get more materials for the fence, chocolate, start supper, chocolate, put photos on Facebook for family, chocolate… and on and on. Now my bottom lip feels funny and I am thirsty. Seems I need to have a personal intervention. No snacking between meals!

Among the obvious issues (sugar, caffeine…) I find that when I go on a little chocolate (or sugar treat binge) that I don’t drink as much. I don’t feel the need to, I don’t feel depleted in energy (as happens when I am thirsty) because I keep having ‘hits’ of sugar and/or caffeine. So tomorrow no snacks between meals as that seems to be how the chocolate gets out of hand.

Yet today was a fabulous day, the kind of day that make me think I am so very, very lucky to have made the choices I have, and to get to do it all again tomorrow, well maybe not all of it… less chocolate but still the same amount of love.

This weekend one of the dogs here on the farm we are helping at had a seizure that lasted so long there was no hope of him recovering. He had, in the past, one or two a year but only for a couple minutes. He was 9 years old and had a dramatic life story, the lady we are helping rescued him. Sadly he had to be put down but thankfully a friend had the skill to do it, the vets would not come, claiming they were to busy. It is one of the things I have a bit of apprehension about when taking care of other people’s animals while they are away, by divine intervention he fell to his seizure just minutes before the lady arrived home, having been away all week working.

A lady also recently passed who was a active member of the medical community I belong to. Questions are sometimes raised as to whether medicine is effective if people or in this case a dog, still dies. No one knows the day and means of their death except in certain circumstances. Most of us are in the dark and rightfully so. I feel that by not knowing it is great incentive to live each day with as few regrets as possible. To have that talk, to make the call, to be vulnerable, to express joy, to explore, to grow, to admit wrongs, and really get the most out of it.

Also when someone or something dies why not celebrate their life? Denis and I talked about this, he being Irish, they have a history of having a bit of a different take on funerals than I was raised with. They told jokes, reminisced about the good the bad and the uniqueness of the one lost. Don’t think it often extended to pets but hey, Lily is little and so we got the opportunity this weekend to see how we want to approach death with her. It was a conversation this time but now when it eventually happens with her awareness we have a plan.

Celebrate and honour the lost one and also honour the feelings of loss for the hole their physical presence used to fill in us. I am grateful that Alaska the dog gave us this gift, so hopefully we can lessen the shock of her first experience with death. I still remember my first pet’s death… my dad did not know how to make me stop crying over a hamster, so we went out for steak dinner. I was very young, and though I laugh now I am sure it was a bit of a puzzle to me then. Mom was wonderful but not much better equipped for my great sorrow at times, she got better but I have memories of her giving me orange pop (a rare treat) to try and help me feel better. With lots of cuddles, hugs and words of encouragement from both of them.

My husband is so special to me and today is his birthday and I am giving him nothing but more of my love to celebrate.

This year we don’t have the money for presents, we can’t go out for a fancy meal, I can’t get him something to represent the importance of the day from a store, I can’t throw him a party. After 3 years of volunteering our funds are quiet low, not that we would do anything much different if we has scads of money in the bank. The best part? It does not matter that there are no gifts, that our friends are in different countries, that we are alone. There was a time when we both loved gifts and random heartfelt gifts are still loved but gifts on his birthday? Nah, not required. Us being alone? We love it, there is something strengthening in just being together, we love our friends and we really enjoy being with them but to have time to ourselves is also a gift.

So instead of presents to open and friends to visit with we took the dogs for a walk and talked and kissed and held hands. We came home and he cuddled up with Lily for her morning nap and he received happy birthday phone calls. I started his birthday lunch, making twice baked potatoes to go with the steaks from the freezer. They are time consuming and though I would make them any time he wants we have them rarely as they do take a long time.

When they woke, they played and ate my simple meal made with love and then it was my turn for a nap with Lily. Denis got the mail and opened a lovely birthday card from his whole family and then it was back to playtime, daytime dancing, snuggles and eventually we will have more food to finish off his birthday dessert. I will tell him again how much I love him, I will look into his eyes when I say this and make myself vulnerable to him, I will offer to wash his back or his whole body in a bath tonight if he wishes, I will continue to tell him how much I love him everyday until his next birthday.