Lost It

You snooze you lose.

When I finished my post last night I felt inspired to write today’s post, but I did not thinking that I had to wait incase something more exciting came up. Well now I have forgotten what I was going to write about and since I spent a great deal of last night listening to our wonderful wolfhound talk to the full moon I am pretty sure my brain does not have the capacity to retrieve that memory anymore.

I am laughing, I started this post almost two hours ago, you see I had this brilliant idea that if Denis and Lily are asleep I would be able to work uninterrupted. Not so, seems they are not the only ones I allow to steal away my attention. I guess I have to look at me and not outside myself for what is holding up the process. Just like every other lesson in life, ‘look within grasshopper, look within’.

Life is a big adventure of learning about ourselves. Sometimes learning things we’d rather not know about and so we tend to make a wall between ourselves and other stuff/things/people. It is so easy to talk the talk of all these happy empowerment messages. Messages of leaving the past behind, of valuing yourself, of not dealing with other people’s monkeys or circuses. The hard part is not taking an ego trip down self-righteousness into what is a fruitless lie. You see it is not as simple as making positive affirmations, making easy little changes, doing what you are attracted to. It goes deeper than that if you want a lifetime change. Maybe you just want to little fix, a bandaid over a bump or ugly spot. Then great, keep doing what you are doing.

However, if you are like me and that is not enough, fill yourself up with courage and shine a flashlight on those parts of you that you keep secret even from yourself.

For me, I self sabotage a lot. I make excuses for my behaviour but really I am still (sometimes) a bit confused as to why I do it. At times I expect people to let me down (myself included) and yet I know it will all work out alright in the end. I procrastinate, under the guise of waiting for the perfect moment, waiting to be inspired, waiting to be able to do it right, waiting because there is something else that needs to be done now, and so on.

Really I am waiting because I can be insecure. Pressure, deadlines, I don’t like the ‘now or never’ push. I wish I could do things simply for the joy it brings me, so I am working towards that and I am well on my way. I am actually in an exceptionally good place, but I want more. I want to know how this life I live, of doing things based on love, feels without self induced stress from doubt that stalls my action.

To living fearlessly!

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