Why didn’t I fail?
Because with so many things going wrong I had to look deeper, I had to work for the things I figured the ultimate birth would give me as payment. I had to let go of guilt, forgive myself, and move forward fast. Denis and I were alone and due to the circumstances of our life at that point we needed to be there for each other. (Side note: Our male housemate was mentally ill, not being treated properly by the system, so he was volatile and often vicious in demeanour wanting us to leave.)
I cried for about two weeks when I thought of the birth, I wondered the ‘what if’s’, I felt bad about the things I felt bad about and I made up my mind to be the best mom I could be. I worked hard to make sure we bonded, I worked hard to make her feel safe when she had those night terrors the first month (I believe because of the drug cocktail we received in the last hours of the very long labour), I made sure I never lost my cool and got frustrated with her. I let myself love her unconditionally no matter the outcome. AND that is the biggest gift, I became completely vulnerable to her, I let her in, I didn’t hold her at arms length from the deepest and most tender parts of my heart for fear she’d love her dad more, for fear I would not be good enough, for all the little and big fears I had about just not being enough.
Now, she is working her way towards her 6 months birthday and I can safely say we had the best birth. Birth is more than simply arriving safely, it is a journey you take together and as a traveller I know that often it is the path you didn’t ever think you’d take that turns out to be the best. You would think I would have learned that after falling completely in love with Denis despite my aversion to the idea. (I’ll write about that another day. 😉 ) Do I want another cesarian if we are blessed to have more kids in the future? No, I learned what I needed to learn by having one with Lily. I don’t have the same fears, I don’t need to do that again. I fear twins now!
My heart is so full with my current family I can’t imagine having two babies at once to add to our family. Thankfully I have another 6 months or more before we even begin to go down that path, and if we are blessed at that time and I get pregnant again… I am sure whatever happens will be the best thing to happen. 🙂